Tag: reference

Common Toddler Discipline Mistakes

turbozarky:

gowns:

Punishments

There are several reasons punishments (including spanking, time out and “consequences” when they presented punitively) are mistakes. The most crucial is that children who are taught through physical or emotional pain tend to stop trusting us and themselves. Expecting humans at their most vulnerable stage of life to learn through pain and shame (when healthy adults would never put up with this) doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? Can you imagine taking a college course and being spanked or banished to “time out” because you weren’t learning quickly enough?

Even if punishments didn’t have long term negative effects, the truth is they don’t work.  The loving, trusting bond our children have with us is what makes following our code of behavior and internalizing our values something they want to do. Erode that relationship, and discipline becomes an “us against them” struggle.

Perceiving children as “bad” rather than in need of help

There was a toddler in one of my parent/toddler guidance classes whose behavior could be considered “bad”. He was compelled to push limits, probably because his adoring, gentle mother struggled to set them confidently. She admitted that his behavior unnerved her.  That, in turn, unnerved him, and “acting out” was the way he demonstrated it.

Some days I would have to calmly follow this boy, shadowing him so that he wouldn’t push or tackle one of the other 18-24 month olds. When I sensed an aggressive impulse coming, I would place my hand in the way and say matter-of-factly, “I won’t let you push” or gently move him away from the friend he was tackling and say, “That’s too rough.”

There was no point in reminding him to touch gently (in fact, that would have been an insult to his intelligence).  He knew exactly what ‘gentle’ meant and was clearly making a different choice.  But what I would often end up asking was, “Are you having a hard time today?”  “Da”, he’d answer a bit wistfully, a hint of a smile on his face, recognition in his eyes.  This simple acknowledgement coupled with my calm, consistent limit setting would usually ease the behavior.

Toddlers love to be understood. They also need to know that their discipline “teachers” are calm, unruffled and understanding, not thrown or upset by their behavior.   And that is the way that I have come to understand misbehavior. It is not intentionally bad, mean or a way to upset parents. It is a request for help.

Help me, I’m tired. Help me, I have low blood sugar. Help me stop hitting my friends. Help me stop annoying or angering you… better yet, stop me before I do those things. Help me by remaining calm so I sense how capable you are at taking care of me.  Help me by empathizing, so that I know you understand and still love me. Help me so that I can let go of these urges and distractions and be playful, joyful and free again.

I don’t usually reblog children-things, but this is important. 

Part of the issue is our cultural toolbox for dealing with problems is woefully understocked. Right now its almost entirely punitive. Many parents just aren’t equipped with the tools to enforce without punishment. We, as a culture,  need to fix this. We need to give these parents the de-escalation skills and alternative methods to punishment for dealing with kids, to prevent that adversarial dynamic between child and parents. 

Question: My approach has generally been to redirect if it’s “an acceptable” (read: nonviolent) breach of boundaries, but if the toddler hits/bites/tackles/kicks/etc someone else or tries to use a toy to hurt someone, they are removed from the situation or the toy is taken away. So if im at the park with the toddler I’m watching, and she is yanking another kids’ pigtails she will get a warning and asked if they’re hungry or tired or thirsty. And if it happens again, we leave. If she uses a toy to try to hit someone, the same thing, a warning, a check in, and if she continues then I take it away for a period of time. Would this still be considered punitive? If someone brought me somewhere with them and I was going around hurting other people, I think that person would be within their right to remove me from that situation. And if I was using a toy or my bag to try to hurt someone else, I think someone else would be within their right to take it from me so that I can’t continue to use it to hurt others. I will note that this same child will be mostly respectful of boundaries with me during the day, but when I first get to the house, she will continuously scream “NO” and even approach me to try to hit me. When her mom comes home she will be overcome with joy and then suddenly become very upset and start pushing all the boundaries she knows she’s not supposed to, including hitting me or being generally destructive and throwing things to the ground and refusing to help pick them up. The household is a strictly

Apparently she pushes boundaries with her mom all the time and refuses to take any naps for anyone but me, tho she was always stubborn about sleep. Apparently I’m the most consistent with her so that’s probly a factor but her mom is quite patient and calm with her. With her aunt who is probably second most consistent, she has bitten her and taken gouges out of her face with her nails. She’s unpredictable. She’ll be laughing and suddenly lash out and glare at you.

I’m genuinely curious what the appropriate response would be within this method of approach

Common Toddler Discipline Mistakes

borderbetweencountries:

sapphicscience:

i’m tired of “how to help a partner with [x mental illness]” guides that assume that the other partner has no issues of any kind; i want more discussion of how to balance the differing mental health needs of multiple people in a relationship

So my partner and I have been together almost two years, and we both suffer from anxiety, BPD, and a handful of other mental illnesses, and here’s some things that help us out immensely.

communication is key. Tell your partner if you’re having a bad day. Listen when your partner says they’re having a bad day. It’s easier to be careful with someone when you know they’re already having a bad day. I can’t stress this enough – communication is always important in relationships; but it’s doubly so when one or both of you has a mental illness. You have to trust your partner to be able to be honest with you about what they’re feeling and how their illness is affecting them, and you need to be honest with them, too.

ask questions. If your partner is struggling, asking them questions to help you understand how to help them can be good. Remember that ‘I don’t know’ is a valid answer, and it is one that you can also give.

be reminders for each other. It can be super hard to remember to do simple things for yourself; it can be easier to remember to remind your partner to do them. My partner reminds me about medication, food, etc., and I do the same for him – it helps a lot.

use safewords. And I don’t mean in the kinky sense. My partner and I have a series of words that mean different things, because sometimes it can be hard to say ‘I’m swinging’ or ‘I’m having a panic attack’ or ‘this subject is upsetting me for x y z’ reason. It’s easier to say one syllable – ‘swing’ for rapidly cycling emotions, ‘count’ for panic attacks (so one of us can count breaths for the other). We have words that mean ‘drop this subject now’ and words that mean ‘please don’t touch me’. We also have hand signals for days when one or both of us are nonverbal, and we revert to texting on those days.

be willing to give each other space.  But don’t necessarily go far. If you need your space, tell your partner; if your partner needs their space, make sure they can still access you. 

acknowledge each other’s illness. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Acknowledge that they’re there, acknowledge that sometimes they may come in conflict with each other, and learn how to take a step back when it becomes a problem.

call each other out. If your partner is repeatedly doing things that are detrimental to themselves/your relationship/you, call them on it. Don’t do it in an asshole way – just sit down with them and be like ‘hey, you’ve been doing this thing that is really sucky lately, and it needs to stop.’ Likewise, listen when you’re being called out. It’s really easy to get stuck in shitty loops when your brain is sick, and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing ‘til someone points it out. This hurts! And it sucks! But it’s part of acknowledging your illnesses. It doesn’t do any good to let bad habits continue, even if there’s a reason they’re happening.

learn to forgive. When you’ve both got brain issues going on, it’s inevitable that people are going to say things they don’t mean, and that is going to hurt. The important thing is being able to recognize when you’ve messed up and apologize sincerely, and accept it when your partner apologizes.

These are just some things that work for us. Add to the list if you can and I hope this helps.

baconbatmanandbettywhite:

fuckyeahsexeducation:

kryptocyrus:

yandere-kitty:

stylemic:

This new shapewear could be the binding solution trans and gender fluid people have been waiting for

After hearing about the struggles her trans male friend faced with binding, lingerie store owner Peregrine Honig knew she had to do something. So she launched All is Fair in Love and Wear on Kickstarter. The brand has four styles of binders, all designed with a focus on addressing
specific issues related to the shape, seams and fabrics of other
binders. With a successful fundraising total of $25,550 from 175 backers, they’ll be for sale soon.

Follow @stylemic

ahhh! i really want a binder 

YESSSSSSSSSS IM BUYING ONE AS SOON AS THEYRE RELEASED

As a DFAB genderqueer whose chronic pain prohibits them from binding I am excited about this!

@dannyalexander08

Source: mic.com

PSA for everyone writing term research papers right now

stirringwind:

anthrocentric:

dynastylnoire:

carryonteamfreewill:

Mendeley is the greatest program ever

I want to weep with joy every time I use it

Just click a button when you pull up an article and it will automatically save it to your library

And cite it for you

And you can use it on your mobile devices

And it’s free

Just download it and you won’t have so many urges to kill everyone in sight while writing a research paper

image

Thank you so much!

Guys, I cannot stress how amazing this program is. 

You can use it to highlight, write notes, mark up, etc. What I do is I highlight all the important jazz, use the comments to write notes on the document, and on the side bar, I write an annotated bib for it for future me. It save everything you write on it forever for you and you can put the articles in folders and organize it.

But that’s not the best part, the best part is that you can access your articles ANYWHERE. Literally anywhere. Forgot your laptop and at a public library? No worries! You can go to the Mendeley website and ACCESS ALL YOUR ARTICLES WITH YOUR NOTES ONLINE. You don’t even have to download the program to access it! It is a life saver and I suggest everyone in academia use it!

reblog to save a life